Ashurst lover.

I am officially a Ashurst lame-ass.

I went into Ashurst yesterday and asked if I could reserve a couple of DVDs for Easter (Jennifer's body and the Hurt Locker, if you are interested) and the woman (who I think is like, the CHIEF librarian) said 'You should get an email when the DVDs are in.. but you should know that already...' implying that I LIVED in Ashurst! (Well, I HAVE reserved quite a lot of books during my time at Symonds!)

Then today, the NICE librarian approached me when I was rifling through books (I had NO name badge and was not waving my ID card around) and said 'Your DVDs are in, apparently'

I am like a famous person.

Amongst the Ashurst clan.

Jealous, much?

Odd day

Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if I had gone to Peveril.

I haven't enjoyed Symonds as much as I would've liked. (esp. the second year)

The thing is, I am not really sure why.

I have made some really nice friends, I enjoy all my lessons and I have been working hard in Ashurst and workshops and stuff.

But for some reason I still do not feel satisfied.

We are coming up to the end of college and although I am nervous about uni, I am kind of excited to get rid of Symonds.

Which is depressing.

I was GUTTED when I left Thornden, because I loved it so much.

I love all my friends (new and old). I love a certain D'Souza.

But I wish I had more fun at college.

I wish that I had realised earlier on who my real friends were, rather than wasting time with people who don't give a crap.

I wish I had been to more parties. More clubbing. More drinking.

I wish that I didn't have to be so worried about money, like 'Screw driving lessons, I am going to Readinggg!'

Lately I have just been feeling really lonely. Even with my group of friends I tend to feel left out. This sounds petty, but noone gets my bus. I am not in the #46 crew. Everyone in the Bluestar crew gets lifts in now, whereas I want to use up my bus pass. This means that unless I make an effort to meet up with people outside of college (which is hard, considering everyone works on different days!) I never see my old chums anymore.

Everyone left on the bus is preppy and loud, which makes me feel more shy.

I was looking at my old bebo pics last night, and it made me feel sad.

I wish that I was as confident as I was then, when I didn't care what people thought and I could approach people and make friends easily.

I even changed my profile pic to one which was taken a few years ago in the apple store, and it makes me feel sad. My make-up looks really emo-y and my clothes are all from Primark (thanks to £8 a week paper round!) but I was happy. I loved life. I was the most optimistic person EVER. Nothing could rain on my parade.

I think that I spend my whole life living in the past, regretting things that I have/haven't done, and then getting upset about it.

I watched this variety show at the Guildhall that my dad was voluteering for on saturday, and it made me realise that I don't actually have a hobby, or a passion for something.

I used to love trying out new things but now I am too scared.

I used to love badminton, and singing.

My social life used to revolve around shopping, and I don't even enjoy that much anymore, because I end up equating what I spend with how many hours I would have to work to pay it back.

Everyone was raving about Reading today, and I really want to go but I don't really have £180 to spare. I am STILL attempting to drive.

I don't really know if there is a solution to my anxiety, or whether it is ANXIETY at all and I am just being overdramatic.

I feel like I am drifting apart from my friends. That is pretty much it.

Fair enough I am spending a lot more time with Adam, which I am not complaining about - its awesome.

But I think that I am used to having such a diverse set of friends that would be at my beck and call whenever I wanted to meet up.

I don't know.

Lifes a bit gay sometimes.

ON A LIGHTER NOTE:

- apparently my english exam resit was awesome

- i walked past someone on the way home who had the FRIENDLIEST face ever. if he was driving and offered me a lift/RAPE, i would have said YESSSSSS! it was insane. he just seemed really friendly from a SMILE and a cute dog. :)

an old blog that i forgot to post...

I am fed up with sidestepping and subtleties. I have never been very good at speaking my mind, whether it is with my friends, my family or people I have never met before.

So I am in the mood for a rant blog.

But I am mostly annoyed about my friends. I know that some of them will read this blog, but I never have an opportunity talk to them about it. Its hard because we are all couple-y, so it’s hard to get any of us on our own, without the lovers following suit or pressing for info and gossip.

I came to college today feeling really optimistic (which is surprising, considering I had 4 hours of Matalan-lovin’ to look forward to!) and I have no idea why, but I just felt really happy. Maybe it was because BOTH of my activities had been cancelled (Jap and First Aid) so I actually had some time to work, nap or chill. Or ALL of them.

I had a free with Batfink, and he commented on my lack of bottoms (I was wearing leggings, so my baggage would be lighter if I had to walk home from work.. normally I wear jeans and a coat and it’s a pain to carry all that way!) So I was cool about it. I was used to people commenting when I would wear my Jack Wills top, but I would normally laugh it off, or say that it was a present (which is TRUE! And I do actually love the top.. even though I saw a boy at Symonds wearing the same top!) :’(

I thought that if any of my friends mentioned me wearing leggings, it would be pretty petty.

So when I turned up to John Shields and instead of greeting me everyone said ‘You are practically naked’ and ‘You don’t leave anything to imagination’ and I got a bunch of smirks and grins, I felt like actually slapping someone.

I spent the whole rest of the day being really self-conscious, tugging at the back of my hoody (which DOES cover my arse, thank you very much.. unless I jump a lot..) and generally feeling like shit.

I love paying people compliments, and I always genuinely mean them. But I never get them back. Yesterday in English I said to Emily that I likes her earrings, and she replied by saying that she liked my face. I know that she was probably teasing, but it made me feel really good about myself. Batfink always says things which really make me feel pretty, or generally amazing. Even if it is a tiny thing!

But now I know that a lot of my friends (including myself!) do not have time to hang out with just the girlies. I am not belittling that, I love it that so many of my friends have found soul mates.

I feel like I am ganged up on a lot. I am not very good at debating things, talking back or arguing things. Ed even verged on converting me to Catholicism, he had such a convincing case! I don’t think it is just me though.

So I just want to say, when I greet people, I want them to know that I am pleased to see them. That they are my friend and that I appreciate them. So instead of saying ‘Why are you wearing leggings?’ say ‘Hello Jennifer, I feel like I haven’t seen you for a LONG time. How’ve you been? Do you want to go shopping sometime? Come round mine so we can watch Finding Nemo and eat cake.’

I always feel self-conscious, although most of the time I try and hide it, and I have a lovely man-friend who makes me feel good about myself. I do not always wear skirts, I prefer jeans. So making fun of me wearing leggings makes me want to curl up in a ball and see NOONE. Ever. Some of my friends wear skirts and dresses (I mean the GIRLS, mainly!) and when they sit down you can see their pants. I NEVER MAKE A BIG DEAL OF IT. If you are real friends, why would you make me feel bad about myself? I feel like I have been through a bit of crap and teasing (like reading my texts!) and when we go to Starbucks I never feel included and I always try and make an effort not to shun anyone. Maybe you guys are just teasing, and I need to take it less seriously. But it pisses me off. I have drifted apart from a lot of my preppy friends and now my closest friends, the ones that I normally enjoy spending time with and can trust, happen to make me feel like shit.

Cardiff :)

Went to cardiff today :)

We got a bit lost and stuck in traffic, and we were a bit late.. but the uni campus was SO SO nice and the course sounds amazing :)

Also, I have fallen in love with the Welsh accent (all over again!)

When we had a question and answers sesh, a girl asked a question and she was WELSH so I kinda melted. She was like Gavin and Stacy's Stacy!!

The city seems really nice too!

But I have since got confused about unis.. I am torn between Sheffy and Diffy :)

I agree with Rosstopher though, in some ways Cardiff IS a bit sexist (but it is also SEXY!)

Only girls can have full-catered, and there is a bit of accomodation for JUST GIRLS.

But there is no accomodation for JUST BOYS. Which is odd.

Maybe more girls want to hide from boys and stay virgins :/

Also, I got excited because I went to a toiltet in a main lecture building, which apparently featured in a Doctor Who episode. WOO! My bottom is famous now :)

On the way home from Cardiff (after my parents had been arguing about getting lost..) I had a debate with mum about Cheryl Cole. We were listening to BBC Radio 1 and 'Parachute' came on, and my mother thought it was silly that ANY song should have the word 'Parachute' in.

I don't need a parachute
Baby, if I've got you
Baby, if I've got you
I don't need a parachute
You're gonna catch me
You're gonna catch if I fall
Down, down, down

'Its like having a song about bungee jumping. I am going to bungee jump but I don't need any string because when I jump I won't die because hopefully you will catch me. If you do not, I won't be content.'

My mum is weird. I also got a phone call from my brother asking if he could have a mini bag of Haribo. I TOLD HIM TO CALL ME IF THERE WAS AN EMERGENCY! gah.

This is weird too.

I had a dream last night, and it wasn't ANY dream. It was a DIRTY dream. haha, not likely! It was About General studies :P my dream predicted what the social and cultural exam would say...

So, to all you whizzes who want to get A*, check this out!

'How is family represented in TV shows such as 'My Family' and 'My parents are aliens?'

'Would you consider Banksy to be an artist or a criminal?'

'If policemen didn't wear the old-fashioned hats, would it make them less intimidating in your opinion?'

My instincts are often correct, so revise away :D

SLAMS!

I started helping out at this youth club after christmas..

a youth club for teens with mental disabilities (yes, laugh all you like, but i am NOT someone who goes.. I am a volunteer!)

We had a fun little party tonight, with wii sports and pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey and musical statue and... KARAOKE.

It seems that I am too scared to sing karaoke, or on guitar hero, with my own friends (who can joke if I suck at singing, and whoop if I am...AWESOME) but when it comes to singing in front of a bunch of hyper, lovely people I barely know, I will happily warble to 'Dancing Queen' and 'It's raining men' and'Wake me up before you go-go' like there's no tomorrow.

But it made me feel a bit sad.. I used to love singing in little cheesy shows at school and with the Girl Guides :) but now I have no confidence in my singing... which is something that I used to feel really passionate about, and I used to really enjoy..

Now my life is just WORK and COURSEWORK and MATALAN-STUFF and ESSAYS and I feel like I have no time to CHILL. So I have been getting stressed out lately and more.. sensitive (if that makes sense) and although i guess that it will be over by July.. I just want to SLEEP.

Gah. College is silly.

Sheffield. No naked stripper guys, like in full monty :(

I feel like I haven't blogged for a while.

Work was nice today.

Barn dancing was fun last night

V for Vendetta is a good movie.

I like it when people give me chocolate oreos as a present - it makes my day.

I don't like running out of credit.

I HAVENT CHATTED ABOUT SHEFFIELD AT ALL! gahh!

I went to Sheffield last wednesday (missed general studies again...SHAME!) I must've been to G.S about once this year :P

We got completely lost on the way to Sheffield (we got lost in London on the way back... which is in the wrong direction, and basingstoke on the way there. we got lost in basingstoke. BASINGSTOKE! my mum cannot drive and i cannot give directions!!) My mum told me that she hasn't driven by herself any further than Bristol (which is where she was born) EVER. Because Dad always drives everywhere. GREAT. Tell me this when I am IN THE CAR ON THE WAY TO A UNI, WHICH WE HAVE NO IDEA WHERE IT IS.

I fell in love with Sheffield, initially because it has a TRAM SERVICE... my mum had to depress me by saying that it was a 'bus attached to a rail with a rope..' but i thought it was real awesome!

I was expecting Sheffield to be really industrial, smelly, smoky with lots of factories... but I only saw ONE! (The full monty gave me an incorrect impression of the place!)

Its about 30secs away from the town too, which is always nice :)

The tour guide we had was really friendly, and the lecturers we had were nice too :D One was really camp (and my mum fell in love with him) and one was called Kook-hee (and I fell in love with her!)

I met a really nice girl too, who me and my mum kinda adopted (because she didnt have her parents with her.. she just popped over from Leeds!) She said she lived in a council flat, and I was shocked my her lack of Mackenzie/Cabrini/Nike clothing :D She looked surprisingly NORMAL.

When we were waiting for the first lecture, this girl approached the vending machine that we were standing by, and went for a bottle of coke. She was wearing clothes that most people wouldn't wear to college, let alone an open day. Most people wouldn't even wear it to a birthday party, clubbing or a formal do! She looked SO overdressed and I though OH. A SPOILT BRAT. I hate to stereotype, but I was right. The machine wouldn't accept her £1 so she stormed up to her dad and started swearing at him, saying 'I fucking hate my life, and I fucking hate you! Give me more money!' and her dad (incidently, wearing Ralph Lauren) reached into his pockets and gave her £20. In some ways, I would LOVE it if my parents gave me money. But she must be such a bitch to her parents.. oh well.

My mum wants me to go to Sheffield because there is a Morrisons near the uni. YAY.

I want to go to Sheffield because there is a STAR TREK SOCIETY and Eddie Izzard went there, and he is just awesome. Maybe I will MEET HIM, and marry him :)

The only downside to Sheffield is the distance.. the other unis I want to go to are only a few hours away.. so thats a bit of a bummer.

Hope everyone liked their results today :)

THIS MADE ME LOL

Also, I was looking up details about the youth club that I help out with (I am gutted because I could be at vue right now, watching The princess and the frog for FREE with the youth club) and the youth club is called 'Slams' and takes place in the Hilt.

I looked up 'The Hilt' on google, and learnt some valuable lessons.

Definition of 'hilt:'

1. the base of the penis.

2. a man who humps his postbox.

GREAT.

Well, it IS from urbandictionary.com

according to them, a jennie is:

1.Someone with sexy hips, an amazing voice, big boobs, and is all round Sexy

3.A fun-loving, creative girl who likes to hang out with friends and enjoys the outdoors. She's got great style and inspires fierce loyalty in her friends. She may be shy at first, but you'll soon discover that she's the funniest (and funnest!) person you know. Everyone should find a Jennie for a friend!

3.She has the most beautiful eyes and hair.

She smells that of a fall evening, and her voice will typically seranade you.

4.Usually the hottest girl in the class. Laughs 24/7 and smiles no matter what's going on.

OK, so I picked some of the nicest definitions. Some of the other definitions include 'a little white booger,' 'someone with a fat ass' and 'someone who works in a shop and is very lazy' (which sums me up quite well.

But we will ignore them

Check your names out in urban dictionary for LOTS OF FUN :D

[insert witty blog title here]

I am going to sheffield tomorrow :) even though I am a bit gutted that it will be a wednesday (the only day I finish at 12:30!) and I will have to wake up real early I am actually quite excited!

I'll let you know how it goes.

Decided that all Symonds food in CRAP today. My dad makes this AWESOME vichysoisse soup (basically, leek and potato) and when I tried some from college it was ICKY. What a let down.

I will stick to carrot, celery, sandwiches and MUFFINS in the future :)

I read this really anti-climatical (is that a word?) story in the paper today. The free paper my brother delivers, all the local stuff.

One article read 'BOY AGED FIVE HELPS TO DELIVER BABY SISTER.'

and I thought this sounded AWESOME!

Normally the news is about Wyvern students dressing up for charity, Fryern students making cakes for red nose day, someones cat getting stuck on the tree, someone losing their only pencil...

SILLY THINGS.

So I got excited. PROPER GOOD STORY!!

Incidently, the pic of the boy was SO cute, I HAD to read it.

I was expecting this super-child to actually have removed the baby from his mothers hoo-hoo whilst the midwife was STUCK IN TRAFFIC and listening to the Beach Boys.

Turns out that the mother was expecting the baby later that day (because she was in labour for more than a day with her first child, she didnt want to spend all her time in the hospital) so they stayed at home. The dad went downstairs to feed the dog. The mother started having contractions. The boy shouted downstairs to his dad. The dad came.

THE END.

THE BOY JUST BLOODY SHOUTED FOR HIS DAD, AND HE GETS AN ARTICLE IN A PAPER!

I have shouted for my dad BILLIONS of times.

'DAD, this maths doesn't make any sense.'

'Dad, we've run out of ice cream.'

'Dad, can you give me a lift to [insert place name here]'

I have never got an article in a paper!

Life is unfair :(

Moooo-sick :)

Had the best english lesson ever today :)

my teacher, ruth, is such a legend.

We spent an hour acting out Hamlet in little groups with FINGER PUPPETS!

it was so awesome!

I was Horatio - a dog.

Then we had the ghost which was actually an owl, and Marcellus was a clown and Hamlet was a blond curly-haired girl. MUCH FUN.

Here is my list of people/bands that I MUST see before I die :D :

Linkin Park

Cute is what we aim for

Mayday Parade

Ellie Goulding

Taking Back Sunday

3oh!3

Black Eyed Peas

Blink 182

Eminem

Calvin Harris

Fall out boy

Get cape.

Foo Fighters

Funeral For a friend.

Gym Class Heroes

Jack Johnson

Jack Penate

Hadouken

Jay-Z

MGMT

Wacko Jacko :'(

Paolo Nutini

Paramore

Muse

Queen :'(

S Club 7 :'(

Spice Girls :'(

Florence

Snow Patrol

Billy Talent

VV Brown.

Ohh, and Eddie Izzard, Jimmy Carr and Russell Howard :)

That is all I can think of atm.

Over and out.