Odd day

Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if I had gone to Peveril.

I haven't enjoyed Symonds as much as I would've liked. (esp. the second year)

The thing is, I am not really sure why.

I have made some really nice friends, I enjoy all my lessons and I have been working hard in Ashurst and workshops and stuff.

But for some reason I still do not feel satisfied.

We are coming up to the end of college and although I am nervous about uni, I am kind of excited to get rid of Symonds.

Which is depressing.

I was GUTTED when I left Thornden, because I loved it so much.

I love all my friends (new and old). I love a certain D'Souza.

But I wish I had more fun at college.

I wish that I had realised earlier on who my real friends were, rather than wasting time with people who don't give a crap.

I wish I had been to more parties. More clubbing. More drinking.

I wish that I didn't have to be so worried about money, like 'Screw driving lessons, I am going to Readinggg!'

Lately I have just been feeling really lonely. Even with my group of friends I tend to feel left out. This sounds petty, but noone gets my bus. I am not in the #46 crew. Everyone in the Bluestar crew gets lifts in now, whereas I want to use up my bus pass. This means that unless I make an effort to meet up with people outside of college (which is hard, considering everyone works on different days!) I never see my old chums anymore.

Everyone left on the bus is preppy and loud, which makes me feel more shy.

I was looking at my old bebo pics last night, and it made me feel sad.

I wish that I was as confident as I was then, when I didn't care what people thought and I could approach people and make friends easily.

I even changed my profile pic to one which was taken a few years ago in the apple store, and it makes me feel sad. My make-up looks really emo-y and my clothes are all from Primark (thanks to £8 a week paper round!) but I was happy. I loved life. I was the most optimistic person EVER. Nothing could rain on my parade.

I think that I spend my whole life living in the past, regretting things that I have/haven't done, and then getting upset about it.

I watched this variety show at the Guildhall that my dad was voluteering for on saturday, and it made me realise that I don't actually have a hobby, or a passion for something.

I used to love trying out new things but now I am too scared.

I used to love badminton, and singing.

My social life used to revolve around shopping, and I don't even enjoy that much anymore, because I end up equating what I spend with how many hours I would have to work to pay it back.

Everyone was raving about Reading today, and I really want to go but I don't really have £180 to spare. I am STILL attempting to drive.

I don't really know if there is a solution to my anxiety, or whether it is ANXIETY at all and I am just being overdramatic.

I feel like I am drifting apart from my friends. That is pretty much it.

Fair enough I am spending a lot more time with Adam, which I am not complaining about - its awesome.

But I think that I am used to having such a diverse set of friends that would be at my beck and call whenever I wanted to meet up.

I don't know.

Lifes a bit gay sometimes.

ON A LIGHTER NOTE:

- apparently my english exam resit was awesome

- i walked past someone on the way home who had the FRIENDLIEST face ever. if he was driving and offered me a lift/RAPE, i would have said YESSSSSS! it was insane. he just seemed really friendly from a SMILE and a cute dog. :)