an old blog that i forgot to post...

I am fed up with sidestepping and subtleties. I have never been very good at speaking my mind, whether it is with my friends, my family or people I have never met before.

So I am in the mood for a rant blog.

But I am mostly annoyed about my friends. I know that some of them will read this blog, but I never have an opportunity talk to them about it. Its hard because we are all couple-y, so it’s hard to get any of us on our own, without the lovers following suit or pressing for info and gossip.

I came to college today feeling really optimistic (which is surprising, considering I had 4 hours of Matalan-lovin’ to look forward to!) and I have no idea why, but I just felt really happy. Maybe it was because BOTH of my activities had been cancelled (Jap and First Aid) so I actually had some time to work, nap or chill. Or ALL of them.

I had a free with Batfink, and he commented on my lack of bottoms (I was wearing leggings, so my baggage would be lighter if I had to walk home from work.. normally I wear jeans and a coat and it’s a pain to carry all that way!) So I was cool about it. I was used to people commenting when I would wear my Jack Wills top, but I would normally laugh it off, or say that it was a present (which is TRUE! And I do actually love the top.. even though I saw a boy at Symonds wearing the same top!) :’(

I thought that if any of my friends mentioned me wearing leggings, it would be pretty petty.

So when I turned up to John Shields and instead of greeting me everyone said ‘You are practically naked’ and ‘You don’t leave anything to imagination’ and I got a bunch of smirks and grins, I felt like actually slapping someone.

I spent the whole rest of the day being really self-conscious, tugging at the back of my hoody (which DOES cover my arse, thank you very much.. unless I jump a lot..) and generally feeling like shit.

I love paying people compliments, and I always genuinely mean them. But I never get them back. Yesterday in English I said to Emily that I likes her earrings, and she replied by saying that she liked my face. I know that she was probably teasing, but it made me feel really good about myself. Batfink always says things which really make me feel pretty, or generally amazing. Even if it is a tiny thing!

But now I know that a lot of my friends (including myself!) do not have time to hang out with just the girlies. I am not belittling that, I love it that so many of my friends have found soul mates.

I feel like I am ganged up on a lot. I am not very good at debating things, talking back or arguing things. Ed even verged on converting me to Catholicism, he had such a convincing case! I don’t think it is just me though.

So I just want to say, when I greet people, I want them to know that I am pleased to see them. That they are my friend and that I appreciate them. So instead of saying ‘Why are you wearing leggings?’ say ‘Hello Jennifer, I feel like I haven’t seen you for a LONG time. How’ve you been? Do you want to go shopping sometime? Come round mine so we can watch Finding Nemo and eat cake.’

I always feel self-conscious, although most of the time I try and hide it, and I have a lovely man-friend who makes me feel good about myself. I do not always wear skirts, I prefer jeans. So making fun of me wearing leggings makes me want to curl up in a ball and see NOONE. Ever. Some of my friends wear skirts and dresses (I mean the GIRLS, mainly!) and when they sit down you can see their pants. I NEVER MAKE A BIG DEAL OF IT. If you are real friends, why would you make me feel bad about myself? I feel like I have been through a bit of crap and teasing (like reading my texts!) and when we go to Starbucks I never feel included and I always try and make an effort not to shun anyone. Maybe you guys are just teasing, and I need to take it less seriously. But it pisses me off. I have drifted apart from a lot of my preppy friends and now my closest friends, the ones that I normally enjoy spending time with and can trust, happen to make me feel like shit.