'Friends are like roses. You have to look out for the pricks.'

I think that this summer, I have finally realised who my real friends are.

My real friends aren't people who ignore me, or criticise me, or impose their opinions on me, who go on holiday and brag about all the guys they have slept with, whilst being heavily toxicated on drugs and boooze.

My real friends never forget me. I am always on their mind. They care about me and want to make sure that I am OK. There are people who I met at college and I got on so well with them, I naively assumed that we would be best friends forever. But they ignore my emails, texts, calls.

Call me needy, but I am never very happy in my own company. Sure, I like reading occasionally and watching ugly betty, but I really really need friends.

Friends are those to always stick with you, even when you have a lovely boyfriend who requires A LOT of attention :) Chicks before dicks, eh?

Friends make you feel good about yourself. Compliment y0u. Are interested in what you have been doing.

This summer, there has been a few friends who are always up for a chat. They ring me just to say that they saw me walking down the road, or they saw me in ASDA. Then there has been friends who I have not heard from at all. I feel like some of my college friends were now only friends with me so they had someone to talk to in English. So they didnt look like a loner. I had a lot of that with someone at Thornden, and I had hoped that people would stop doing that to me. I want to hang out with people because I enjoy their company and they are fun to be around, not just to make up numbers and make you seem more popular.

In the last few years I have drifted apart from some people, and grown closer to others. I always want to look back on the good times in my friendships, and cling onto all my friends, even if they do not seem interested in me anymore. People grow up, people change, friendship groups change and develop. But I feel like I have not changed. I wear less make-up, and I sleep a lot more, but apart from that, I feel like I am the same as I was in year 9.

I think this is why I am quite excited about uni. Obviously it will be hard moving away from people that I love, but there are people who I cannot let go of and some that I cannot wait to let go of. So being physically away from them will show me how much I actually need (or do not need them) I need to meet new people, to find people who have things in common with me and make me feel good about myself, rather than degrading my opinions and making me feel crap.

I have had some fun times this summer with my friends now. Not EVERYONE has abandoned me. I have had fun going to Bedford, going to the beach, going to various parties and alcohol-fuelled gatherings. Maybe I am just greedy. Maybe I just hate being ignored. I need to be the centre of attention. Maybe.

I may convert this blog into a uni diary thing, rather than a place where I just RANT :P

Goodbye Matalan.

I have my last shift at Matalan on saturday.

I am pretty excited, because I CANNOT STAND one of the managers... everytime she speaks, i want to kill her.

But I feel quite sad too, because I love everyone that I work with!!

I felt sad last weekend, discovering that I have already been replaced. By someone who is rubbish at doing refunds and tannoy announcements, but is really nice (she offered to stay an extra 30mins after her shift so I could have my lunchbreak covered!!) and really pretty. Dang nabbit.

But hopefully I will be able to work at Matalan again during christmas and holidays :) because although work is BORING, it's money. I love everyone who works there, and working keeps me away from shopping (and spending money I do not have!!)

:) Its lame that all I can think about talking about is WORK. Matalan is my life 8)

Losing my bedford virginty

Had a fab time at Bedford on tues :)

Went with mia, for her 18th :)

4 of us met up at hers, played ring of fire with her brother and 2 of his matesss.

And because I am lightweight, I managed to just buy one drink in town and still feel merry :D

a random black guy bought me a vodka and lime, and my mum later said that it was probably because i was curvy, and he was african. and africans are apparently intimidated by skinny girls?!?!?!

and curviness is a sign of wealth, whereas skinny is a sign of famine.

basically, he bought me a drink because i was FAT. nice.

had fun in 90s, aura and tokyo.

i had a fab time, but in a sad way, the highlight of my night was in nicks car on the way back from town. he complimented me on my singing on 'im yours' by jason mraz.

in year 10 one of my friends criticised my singing and since then i have refused to sing in front of people. so when he said i had a good singing voice (even though i was drunkkkk) it made me feel warm and fuzzy inside :)

Gweenbelt :)

How can I describe four days of fun in one blog? I will just write short phrases (I have just got back from Bedford and have no energy to write detailed diary entry :S OR YOU COULD CHECK OUT MY PICS ON FACEBOOK, they'll be up soon :)

Blue wristband (means I am an adult and can make use of the BEER TENT!!)

First time buying diary and programme, rather than illegally downloading it (which Jesus does not like me doing..)

Puddle in tent

Zic Zazou (awesome percussion group, using scrap like hoses and pipes and pots etc)

Last orders (fell asleep, a certain Katie posts a pic of me on facebook. HAHA.)

7:30am Saturday - I want to wake up and see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs on the big screen.

8:30am - Oh. Its started. I will just blockbuster it.

Lovers Electric

Foy Vance

Momeraths cancel (me no likey)

I want to watch 'UP' AT 19:30. But whats the point of spending all of Greenbelt watching movies?

Beer and hymns! (but no beer. Although I am 18, its EXPENSIVE and I am happy to stick to my pepsi.)

Interesting talk about how we basically love Jade Goody. (?)

Queue for Milton Jones, but do not get in.

Curse the world.

Queue for Mock the Weekend, DO get in, but its a bit rubbish and nothing-y.

Beverley Knight. Establish tinyyyy girl crush :)

Queue for silent disco too long. I have queues.

Sounds of Salvation

Sing-a-long-a-Grease (basically they show us a few dances, then show the film with the song lyrics as subtitles and we lindy hop away!)

Jars of Clay

King Blues <3

Simon from Blue Peter presenting :)

So yeah. Thats Greenbelt for 'ya.

I do not think that the line up was as good as it normally was... but I have discovered some fab bands, realised that I know A LOT of Bev. Knights songs, and fallen in love with Itch from King Blues, because of a nice poem he wrote :)

oooh, and in the crowd of Bev. Knight, a romance blossomed, and it was entertaining to watch. Basically, a boy held up his iPhone to Bev.Knight with an LED message saying I LOVE YOU and someone in the crowd turned round and held up I LOVE YOU TOO and then they exchanged mobile numbers via this LED thing and arranged a date in the underground :) How sweet! I am convinced that he was about 18 and she was about 14 though :/

5 bottles of Shampoo.

Hello bloggers and bloggettes!

I am sorry that I have not blogged for 2.5months. I have no excuse. Sure, I have been working, driving, volunteering at a charity shop, birthday plans, exam results, saving the world. But I have completely neglected my blog.

BUT. Good news. Here is a blog.

I have just returned from Greenbelt (which was amazing, I will blog about it when I have more time) but for now I would like to leave you with a King Blues song/poem thing.

It made me fall in love with Itch. (the lead singer)

It is called Five Bottles of Shampoo :

She pushed in before me, in the supermarket queue
pretended not to see me, in that way women do.
She put on the counter some bread and milk too
and then she pulled out five different bottles of shampoo.
And I thought to myself, 'I will never understand women.'
And I hear some of you saying, 'Yeah but all men are all the same!
They all think they're so cool and are ruled by their dicks.'
That might be true of me, but it ain't true of all of us
so don't point that finger so quick.

I do see some of the blokes though,
In the clubs, pinching girls arses, trying to be intimidating
Making obscene passes. Man, she's a goddess, you can tell by the way she dances.
But you call her a slag when she don't accept your advances.
You just show you got no respect for yourself, show you ain't got the balls
to just talk to a girl.
So when she chats to me, you spit at her and shout 'Whore!'
Well it is written, in the art of war, to fight only the battles you can win.
But I will defend your honour til they kick my face in.
If you have to scrape me broken boned, bruised, bloodied, and battered up off the floor..
Well FUCK IT. Integrity is what black eyes were invented for.

So down with the dick-tatorship, that is so cock-sure,
they use rape as a weapon of war.
FUCK the man who thinks it's ok to give his wife a punch,
FUCK the judge who says it weren't rape cause she was drunk.
And if you're pro-life. I mean if you're PRO .. LIFE,
then become a doctor, or foster a kid.
Make it possible for people who are alive to live.
But don't you dare tell women what they can and can't do,
when it was a woman that gave life to you.

Yes, I'm a man, a fairly stereotypical one,
but I ain't afraid to say I think all women are beautiful and strong.
Too fat, too thin, that's just media spin,
you look best when you're comfortable in your own skin.
So I'm sorry, if we've made you feel undue,
the truth be known...I'm in awe of you.
You're a giver of life and warrior too.
So do you really need FIVE bottles of shampoo?

WOMEN ARE AWESOME :D

Chat Roulette Virginity.

General Studies exam today was POOOR.

Really hated both questions.

Media exam tomorrow which I am freaking out about..

to calm my nerves I thought I would lose my chatroulette virginity.

What an interesting experience.

Lets just say I have seen more penises than I ever want to see in my life, and even a couple having sex on a computer chair.

NICE.

But as long as the conversation kept innocent, it was actually quite fun!

As soon as they asked me what underwear I was wearing, I knew that this was going to be weird.

But I had a nice conversation about blink 182 and linkin park who looked A LOT like christian bale (as in, Batman?) and a little like the drummer from Enter Shikari too... which was weird yet awesomeee!!

We talked about America a little, apparently he was born in Germany but moved to America when he was 16. Interesting guy. Nice interesting non-pervert guy.

Then I pressed refresh instead of enter and after 5mins of flicking through more penises and sex, I couldnt find him.

I could never date someone over the internet. I dont like technology and tech doesnt like me. :D

Good luck with the rest of your exams, guys!

Football.

I am currently hiding in my room.

My dads has some friends round to watch the game. I hope you realise how RARELY my parents socialise, but this is just ANNOYING.

Everyone in Matalan was going football-crazy, and we had a competition to sell as many England sports bottles as possible..

I only sold one.

But I am hearing the national anthem and CANNOT REVISE.

Turn down the TV!

I think that its nice, how the World Cup unites people and makes people bring out cheesy car flags (um... like us!)

OH GOD. DADS PLAYING HIS FOOTBALL SOUNDTRACK.

'Sven, Sven Sven Goran Erikkson.. he's a lovely geezer, but don't forget hes from Sweden'

SHOOT ME NOW.

As I was saying, I like how the football unites people but I think its silly how obessed people get about it..

I am trying to revise Media and uh um.. GENERAL STUDIES.

I need at least a B in General Studies otherwise Sheffield will confine me in a box.

Hahah.

I hope everyone has a fun football-saturated weekenddd :S x x

The excellent adventures of a #1 Bluestar explorer.

I HAVE LOTS OF ADVENTURES ON MY LOVELY BUS TO COLLEGE.

Getting the bus to college has always been a bit boring, because most of my friends DRIVE/ cycle/ flyyy to college now and now Bluestar has been invaded by Lower Sixths. YAY.

A lot of my buddies get the Stagecoach bus and I just imagine them spending their daily journeys having discos and doing karaoke and eating candy floss and doing the Macarena while I am sat grumpy and tired while Lower Sixths scream and giggle about who they had sex in an alleyway with. YAY.

Luckily I won't have to worry about it TOOO much, now we are on study leave :) and hopefully if I get 3BBBs Il be off to Sheffield to take the TRAM to uni!

TRAM!

I think thats the sole reason why I picked sheffield. My mum keeps saying that its just a bus on a wire, which basically kills my excitement :/

Anyways, yesterday on my way to Ashurst for some revision-related larks, I had several bus-related adventures.

First up, I got chatting to this old woman at Somerfield while we were waiting for the bus, and I got confused because she kept calling me 'Sophie' so I think she may have thought I was someone that I wasn't... or she had escaped from Challoner House and was just CRAZY.

But she was so sweet and asking me about college and uni and my dog (I do not have a dog but I just went along with it and said that it died.) and I was tempted to propose to her. She was like 'See you on Boxing Day!' WTF!! Bless her :)

Then it turns out that the bus driver is the love child of Pocahontas and John Smith. Its so hard to describe him! He had long hair and dark eyes and I think he was mixed race and it was SO funny because some people who came on the bus he'd do a really posh accent and others he'd do like a weird South American accent. I cannot describe it but it made me laugh so much! It was exciting for me because I get the bus to college/town/work (when I worked in Winch) so much that I was almost on first-name terms with the bus driver so I always find it exciting discovering a new bus driver. HOW EXCITING IS MY LIFE!:O

On the bus home I also saw someone on the bus who looked SO much like David Cameron, but he was chubbier and was eating a happy meal :P Perhaps it wasn't him...

Also, I almost had a nervous breakdown because I tried ringing up my O2 top up to see how many free texts I had and it was like 'You have nine, THREE texts to use up by 11:59 tonight.'

Why would they get the number 9 and the number 3 confused? Can you not do maths? Do you have number-Tourettes when you just shout out random numbers? Jeez! SPEAK CLEARER, FOOOL!

It wasn't until I rang them about 12 times that I realised that they were actually saying 'You have nine FREE texts.' FML

Ooohh, the dress I ordered for the summer ball has arrived ^__^ I really like it and am excited about the ball.. now I only need to sort out my hair/make-up/shows/jewellery/bag. Haha.

I don't think I make as much effort with how I look as I used to, which is good in some ways (stops me from missing the bus, less make-up is better for the skin, I can shock everyone at parties with how fashionable and un-hoody-ish I am, ha. ha.) but bad in some ways (i have bad face days, sometimes feel really naked when up against make-up-caked preppies!)

so its nice to go crazy and DRESS UP. YAAAYY!! :D

Moscow State Circus

So.

College is over. The end of an era.

Ate too much choc and cake on thursday, went to the most POINTLESS sociology lesson ever, and witnessed two guys lying on top of a car outside the Jolly Farmer and getting squished. Well, not quite.

I hope they are not dead though.

Went to Moscow State Circus in Southsea last night (NOT in Swansea.. which is where I told Adam it was!!)

I wasn't really sure what to expect. My only memories of circuses is one we went to in France yonks ago (and the only thing I remember about it is that I lost one of my beanie babies!!) and the film 'Dumbo.'

I was secretly hoping for some big-eared elephants but I don't think RSPCA would allow that. Animal abuse and all tha'.

But it was actually really good! My dad got free tickets from work, enough so that I could go with both parents and bring Adam and my brother could bring a friend too (I KICKED HIS ASS AT ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS!! YAYY!) and so even if the show was rubbish, we wouldn't have lost much. Apart from petrol costs. :)

BUT THE SHOW WAS AWESOME.

I don't know any technical circus names, but there was a lot of scary spin-y, high-up, jump-y, dangerous-looking, juggling, knife-throwing, people - catching stuff which is hard to explain if you were not there.

There was one point where this guy was running on this wheel thing which was up VERY high and he kept looking like he was going to fall off. then he started SKIPPING whilst running on this thing. I CANNOT EXPLAIN IT. BUT IT WAS AWESOME.

There was a clown-y person who had a little weird chum and they would fill in with some random stuff (like tight-rope walkinggg, eek!) whilst all the scary technical stuff was set up. I think I have developed a crush on him, in a kind of Adrien-Brody way. nom.

Also, throughout the whole show there was this weird Rasputin narrative which would go ON and ON. Deep, booming, Russian voice rambling about Rasputin when I WANTED PEOPLE TO HURRY UP AND NEARLY-DIE.

So yeah, although I missed out on a Woods rave at Chez Overstall, the circus more than made up for it :) I didn't really think that it would be my sort of thing, but it was really good.

Shame about the annoying people shaking their charity buckets about. And the annoying lighting-up things that every child seemed to have in the audience. haha.

Oooh. I have decided that I want to be a man.

Haha.

The end.

Goodbye.

I won't explain.

I will leave you wondering: 'Why does Jennie want to be a man? I am intrigued. I will ask her next time I see her. For her birthday I will buy her a penis.'

OK.

I will explain.

MEN NEVER HAVE TO EFFING QUEUE TO GO TO THE TOILET.

WHY DO ALL WOMEN SEEM TO NEED THE TOILET AT THE SAME TIME?

WHY CAN MEN POOTLE IN, HAVE A WHIZZ AND THEN STRIDE OUT, WHEREAS WOMEN HAVE TO STAND IN THEIR LINE, WRIGGLING ABOUT, CLENCHING THEIR BUTT MUSCLES.

I am sorry for the crude-ness. But it gets on my nerves. Women are silly.

Why can't women have more toilets provided for them? Men can subtlely wee in a bush, whilst pretending they are enjoying the view!

Anyways. Rant over. LOL.

Good day. Hope everyone has a fun half term :)

I LOVE MY JOB

Haha,

just got back from an awesome shift at work.

everyone was happy and i was on TILLS which is awesome.

and the shop wasn't too busy so we could mess about lots :)

and we had the nice manager.

but the funn-est thing was hanging around tills (but with no customers)

Me, chris and sam had fun playing with castanets and clip-on hair extensions.

Then we had a funny convo about pouffes (you know, those foot stool things... kinda bean-baggy?)

Chris : I want to buy a pouffe, they are half price.

Jen: IT LOOKS SO COMFY.

Chris: 'Tis! I like it when you sit on them and they are not too sink-y

Sam: But that pouffe looks really HARD.

Chris: I like it HARD.

Jen: ....

Sam: HAHAHAHAHHAHA

Jen: .......... ohhhh.

Chris: There's no point having a squishy one, they are no good.

Then they started making fun of me for being young.

Basically, Matalan can be boring at times but I work with a fabbb bunch of people.

I miss my superdruggies though (except maybe Podge, haha!) :P

but yeah. Wouldnt want to work at Nalatam full-time tbh.

Just finished watching Junior apprentice, glad that Jordan douche has gone.

I gave Nick permission to use the word DOUCHE when referring to Jordan.

I do not normally like that word. But it seemed appropriate.

Life is nice.

Exams are not.

Funny Joke.

I found this joke in a magazine and it made me laugh :)

Its a little rude though, so watch out!!

A convict breaks into a house to look for money, and inside finds a couple in bed.

He orders the guy out and ties him to a chair.

While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up to go to the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:

'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a long time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don' complain... do whatever he tells you. This guy is obviously very dangerous If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong honey, I love you.'

His wife responds:

'He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me he's gay, thinks your cute and asked if we had some Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too.'

If any of you do not understand that joke (I admit, it took me a few mins to get it!!) then you are very innocent-minded :)

In other news, people are voting today. Not me, I want it to be over. My sociology teacher wants us to stay up for the results. He THEN decided to tell us that the counting may not be finished until 4am. NO THANKS, guv'na!

P.S I spent 45mins watching this weeks Doctor who.

I want that 45mins BACKKKKKKKK.

The ginger assistant is annoying and something about Matt Smith really bugs me.

GAH.

'I'm going to cast my vote for whoever offers free driving lessons to people whose names begin with 'J' :)

The election is coming up, and with all the hype about it I feel tired.

I can't even vote yet but I don't think I realised how CRAZY MPs go with campaigns. I think thats because when Brown was first our PM I didn't really care much, as long as he didn't abolish The Simpsons. :D

Everyone's talking about it, and I KNOW that in our democratic society it's important that we know all the facts before we vote. But we need an Obama. If I was going to vote I would have no idea. Should I just follow the crowd and vote for Cleggy, because he is about 10000% more attractive than the others?

I don't know. As an August baby, I am a bit gutted that I cannot vote basically. I have watched 2 of the 3 TV debates and now I was to REP ENGLAND and contribute to the success of one of the leaders. I am rambling. Slow news day, I guess.

On the way to Southampton yesterday, I was on a bus when we went past a man on the side of the road holding up a cardboard sign with 'LONDON' written on it. I have never seen that before, except from homeless people in movies. It made me think about whether I would ever be willing to pick up a hitchhiker, even if I WAS heading to london. If I was in his situation (whatever that situation might be) I would begrudge everyone who drove past unashamedly.

Any good samaritans?

But if I was in the drivers seat (literally) would I pick up a stranger?

He looked foreign, so he was OBVIOUSLY a terrorist/ illegal immigrant/ gypsy/ some one who will kill or eat my children.

There would be some hitchhikers (MOST!) who have good intentions. They want to go to London but can't afford train fare (it IS quite a lot) but would you be willing to spend an hour in the car with someone you didn't know, who maybe doesn't speak your language, even if it WAS for a good deed?

It would be nice to hear what people think, I cannot decide!!

In sociology workshop today my teacher freaked out because he saw a rat near the entrance to Ashurst. It was a BIG rat but I wasn't too grossed out. I have seen RATATOUILLE. All rats are friendly and just want to cook :)

Good times.

Life is nice.

I have been in a good mood for a while now :)

Like, no stress.

Which is nice :)

Walking to work today I just said 'Morning' to everyone I saw. Which I never normally do.

I feel that because I started my revision quite early on, I don't have so much pressure. Last year I rushed it and got really stressed. This year I am going to less workshops (only SLIGHTLY less) and giving myself time to just chill, and watch Waterloo Road and Glee :)

So I am cool, calm and collected.

Except my bum chum Sarah at work referred to my hairband as 'gay.'

Got an OK-ish weekend planned.

Babysitting tonight, Work tomorrow and then LESBIAN LOVIN' on sunday with Katy and Becky :) I have told them that I will bring lube, vibes and condoms.

Nice fact for you. Apparently you can buy condoms in Amsterdam which are the shape of Big Ben...

I learn so much in sociology :)

Hope everyone has a nice weekend x x

Easter is over

I don't think I have blogged for a while.

I just don't have the time.

I can't be bothered to come up with an imaginative blog title :D

But I have had a strange weekend at work :/

I worked tuesday, friday, saturday and sunday this week, which SUCKS in a way. But hopefully I will be LOADED next month, woohoo!

Yesterday this woman came into the store and seemed to know A LOT about my life..

'You used to go to Hiltingbury'

'Your brothers called Nick and your sisters called Kathy'

'Your dad works in a bank'

'You go to Symonds'

and i was like WTFFFFFFFF because I have never seen this woman in my life. First off she was like 'Hey Jennie' which creeped me out. But I have a name badge :S

Basically she used to work with my mum (when my mum worked in Tescos, which was before Nick was even born!) I have no idea how she recognised me considering she hasn't seen me since playgroup (apparently her daughter used to go to Peter Pan with me!)

but it was weird. SMALL WORLD. Turns out her daughter is best friends with one of my old bumchums :D

Then my cousins came in to visit me, and I started playing hide and seek with them (whilst trying to looking like I was actually working, which is easy if I just make sure I am always carrying a piece of clothing!)

Then the most beautiful girl I have seen IN MY LIFE came into the store, and she looked suspiciously like Michelle Heaton (from Liberty X). I found myself stalking her a little, to see whether it was really her. She looked so glamorous and pretty and if she wasn't with her boyfriend I would have invited her to my place ;)

I just googled Michelle Heaton and all I found was lingerie modelling, and she looks a bit like a SLAG. But this girl was really pretty, and me, Sammy and Simran decided to stalk her for a bit. She asked me to direct her to the Be Beau leggings and I could not SPEAK.

So yeah, odd day. We dropped Kathy at the train station so she could go back to uni and the last thing she said to me before she went was 'Lose some weight, ok?'

BITCH.

Today at work it was boring because we had the evil manager :/

I HAVE FIRMED MY UNI OFFERS!

Sheffield = top choice.

Cardiff = second choice.

Symonds is starting to piss me off, so although I thought I would miss it a lot, I just want to GOOOOOOOO!!!

Thats all folks

Hope you had a nice easter, and have fun back at college!!

:)

Ohh I forgot, I went round my mate Gemmas house yesterday and we saw our friend in the audience of Britains got talent. EXCITING STUFF!!!!

'you are an easter beast...er'

I need to stop neglecting my revision.

I have so much to do and I was quite well behaved during the first few days of easter, but now I CANNOT BE ARSED.

I have loads of overtime this weekend too, so although I have no social life, hopefully I will be LOADED next time I get paid.

Still owe my mum £200 for driving lessons though :/

Had an ashurst rave the other day (I know, how cool am I!) and on the way back (via a pit stop at C.Ford library to grab some socio revision books) I walked past this guy Tim, who decided to take the piss.

My life = ashurst and libraries.

His life = XBOX and Joel's house.

Oh, how roles have been reversed :D

Went to my mate Verity's night before last, although I was SHATTERED from my eastleigh rave with Adam (went bowling&hiding from old stalkers, which was FUNNNN!) it was a pretty good party. But I didn't know a lot of people there, so it was nice to just talk to random people about NOTHING.

my highlight has to be watching (not getting involved with) the limbo-ing in the kitchen, when andy was just STANDING there and threw up. Gross but HILARIOUS.

Then I ran off to sing/shout to 'Where is the love' by Black Eyed Peas with Yushi and Araan :)

Luckily, I remembered I had work the next day so I didn't drink too much. I had a nice catch up with Saffron who seemed to be the only sane person there. A lot of people were in couples so it was easy to feel excluded from time-to-time. I have also heard too many rumours about certain couples that I don't really want to stand within a mile of them!! But Vezza had some CSI tap so I made myself a sash which said 'Crime Scene. Do not enter.' and tried (and failed) to tape some on my crotch. Ohh, how mature.

Went to Jamals for a BBQ yesterday with Verity. Wasn't sure what to expect because I haven't seen him for a while and although I was quite good friends with his at Thornden he would scare me a tiny bit :) But it was really fun and we met his lover.

Also made some sausage crumble yesterday. Took over 2 hours to make, took about 5mins to be eaten/rejected.

FML.

Fright of my life.

I like getting post :)

Yesterday I got some photos that I had ordered from Photobox.com, which is exciting.

I got a sample of some Loreal foundation (which is random... normally I remember signing up for free samples!) and a letter, which had 'WE WANT YOUR BLOOD' in stencil-type font on the envelope.

YAY. Robert Pattinson has replied to my offer of supplying him my blood in case he gets thirsty, on set of the next twilight movie :D

I said I would give him half of my blood.

JUST KIDDING, it was the NHS saying that I should donate some blood :) I hate needles, but I am sure I can manage :)

Also, I got excited yesterday because Waterloo Road is back on (Y)

and theres a character in the new series called Finn Sharkey.

Which me and my sister found HILARIOUS.

Because when we were younger and we got our first pair of goldfish, hers was called Sharkey, and mine was called Phin. (as in, DolPHIN)

I thought it was funny that a new trouble-maker at 'Loo Road was named after our goldfish :D

Going Bowling with Adam today, and then RAVING-IT -UP in Eastleigh for a bizzle, then Veritys shindig in the evening :) Sounds like a nice, revision&matalan-free day :D

Hope everyone is having a nice easter x x x x

IT IS EASTER :) nom nom nom

I had a kitkat in Sociology today (erm, I mean AT LUNCHTIME) which had no wafer in it.

It ruined my life.

But when I saw one of my Matalan buddies outside the pub near the bus stop, which un-ruined it :)

Also, I have just realised that I ALWAYS put kisses at the end of emails I send to my teachers. It is SO embarrasing. I just emailed my media teacher about progress reviews and finished with 'Have a nice easter! Jennie :) x' so now I blatently fancy her.

GREAT.

In addition (haha!) is it bad that I am more excited about easter because of CHOCOLATE rather than because Jesus is coming back from the dead? :/ my parents normally give us little prezzies instead of easter eggs. One year it was a phone case and a pair of socks :)

This year I have hoping for a pencil sharpener and a pair of shoelaces :D

Hope everyone has a nice easter! x

Ashurst lover.

I am officially a Ashurst lame-ass.

I went into Ashurst yesterday and asked if I could reserve a couple of DVDs for Easter (Jennifer's body and the Hurt Locker, if you are interested) and the woman (who I think is like, the CHIEF librarian) said 'You should get an email when the DVDs are in.. but you should know that already...' implying that I LIVED in Ashurst! (Well, I HAVE reserved quite a lot of books during my time at Symonds!)

Then today, the NICE librarian approached me when I was rifling through books (I had NO name badge and was not waving my ID card around) and said 'Your DVDs are in, apparently'

I am like a famous person.

Amongst the Ashurst clan.

Jealous, much?

Odd day

Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if I had gone to Peveril.

I haven't enjoyed Symonds as much as I would've liked. (esp. the second year)

The thing is, I am not really sure why.

I have made some really nice friends, I enjoy all my lessons and I have been working hard in Ashurst and workshops and stuff.

But for some reason I still do not feel satisfied.

We are coming up to the end of college and although I am nervous about uni, I am kind of excited to get rid of Symonds.

Which is depressing.

I was GUTTED when I left Thornden, because I loved it so much.

I love all my friends (new and old). I love a certain D'Souza.

But I wish I had more fun at college.

I wish that I had realised earlier on who my real friends were, rather than wasting time with people who don't give a crap.

I wish I had been to more parties. More clubbing. More drinking.

I wish that I didn't have to be so worried about money, like 'Screw driving lessons, I am going to Readinggg!'

Lately I have just been feeling really lonely. Even with my group of friends I tend to feel left out. This sounds petty, but noone gets my bus. I am not in the #46 crew. Everyone in the Bluestar crew gets lifts in now, whereas I want to use up my bus pass. This means that unless I make an effort to meet up with people outside of college (which is hard, considering everyone works on different days!) I never see my old chums anymore.

Everyone left on the bus is preppy and loud, which makes me feel more shy.

I was looking at my old bebo pics last night, and it made me feel sad.

I wish that I was as confident as I was then, when I didn't care what people thought and I could approach people and make friends easily.

I even changed my profile pic to one which was taken a few years ago in the apple store, and it makes me feel sad. My make-up looks really emo-y and my clothes are all from Primark (thanks to £8 a week paper round!) but I was happy. I loved life. I was the most optimistic person EVER. Nothing could rain on my parade.

I think that I spend my whole life living in the past, regretting things that I have/haven't done, and then getting upset about it.

I watched this variety show at the Guildhall that my dad was voluteering for on saturday, and it made me realise that I don't actually have a hobby, or a passion for something.

I used to love trying out new things but now I am too scared.

I used to love badminton, and singing.

My social life used to revolve around shopping, and I don't even enjoy that much anymore, because I end up equating what I spend with how many hours I would have to work to pay it back.

Everyone was raving about Reading today, and I really want to go but I don't really have £180 to spare. I am STILL attempting to drive.

I don't really know if there is a solution to my anxiety, or whether it is ANXIETY at all and I am just being overdramatic.

I feel like I am drifting apart from my friends. That is pretty much it.

Fair enough I am spending a lot more time with Adam, which I am not complaining about - its awesome.

But I think that I am used to having such a diverse set of friends that would be at my beck and call whenever I wanted to meet up.

I don't know.

Lifes a bit gay sometimes.

ON A LIGHTER NOTE:

- apparently my english exam resit was awesome

- i walked past someone on the way home who had the FRIENDLIEST face ever. if he was driving and offered me a lift/RAPE, i would have said YESSSSSS! it was insane. he just seemed really friendly from a SMILE and a cute dog. :)

an old blog that i forgot to post...

I am fed up with sidestepping and subtleties. I have never been very good at speaking my mind, whether it is with my friends, my family or people I have never met before.

So I am in the mood for a rant blog.

But I am mostly annoyed about my friends. I know that some of them will read this blog, but I never have an opportunity talk to them about it. Its hard because we are all couple-y, so it’s hard to get any of us on our own, without the lovers following suit or pressing for info and gossip.

I came to college today feeling really optimistic (which is surprising, considering I had 4 hours of Matalan-lovin’ to look forward to!) and I have no idea why, but I just felt really happy. Maybe it was because BOTH of my activities had been cancelled (Jap and First Aid) so I actually had some time to work, nap or chill. Or ALL of them.

I had a free with Batfink, and he commented on my lack of bottoms (I was wearing leggings, so my baggage would be lighter if I had to walk home from work.. normally I wear jeans and a coat and it’s a pain to carry all that way!) So I was cool about it. I was used to people commenting when I would wear my Jack Wills top, but I would normally laugh it off, or say that it was a present (which is TRUE! And I do actually love the top.. even though I saw a boy at Symonds wearing the same top!) :’(

I thought that if any of my friends mentioned me wearing leggings, it would be pretty petty.

So when I turned up to John Shields and instead of greeting me everyone said ‘You are practically naked’ and ‘You don’t leave anything to imagination’ and I got a bunch of smirks and grins, I felt like actually slapping someone.

I spent the whole rest of the day being really self-conscious, tugging at the back of my hoody (which DOES cover my arse, thank you very much.. unless I jump a lot..) and generally feeling like shit.

I love paying people compliments, and I always genuinely mean them. But I never get them back. Yesterday in English I said to Emily that I likes her earrings, and she replied by saying that she liked my face. I know that she was probably teasing, but it made me feel really good about myself. Batfink always says things which really make me feel pretty, or generally amazing. Even if it is a tiny thing!

But now I know that a lot of my friends (including myself!) do not have time to hang out with just the girlies. I am not belittling that, I love it that so many of my friends have found soul mates.

I feel like I am ganged up on a lot. I am not very good at debating things, talking back or arguing things. Ed even verged on converting me to Catholicism, he had such a convincing case! I don’t think it is just me though.

So I just want to say, when I greet people, I want them to know that I am pleased to see them. That they are my friend and that I appreciate them. So instead of saying ‘Why are you wearing leggings?’ say ‘Hello Jennifer, I feel like I haven’t seen you for a LONG time. How’ve you been? Do you want to go shopping sometime? Come round mine so we can watch Finding Nemo and eat cake.’

I always feel self-conscious, although most of the time I try and hide it, and I have a lovely man-friend who makes me feel good about myself. I do not always wear skirts, I prefer jeans. So making fun of me wearing leggings makes me want to curl up in a ball and see NOONE. Ever. Some of my friends wear skirts and dresses (I mean the GIRLS, mainly!) and when they sit down you can see their pants. I NEVER MAKE A BIG DEAL OF IT. If you are real friends, why would you make me feel bad about myself? I feel like I have been through a bit of crap and teasing (like reading my texts!) and when we go to Starbucks I never feel included and I always try and make an effort not to shun anyone. Maybe you guys are just teasing, and I need to take it less seriously. But it pisses me off. I have drifted apart from a lot of my preppy friends and now my closest friends, the ones that I normally enjoy spending time with and can trust, happen to make me feel like shit.

Cardiff :)

Went to cardiff today :)

We got a bit lost and stuck in traffic, and we were a bit late.. but the uni campus was SO SO nice and the course sounds amazing :)

Also, I have fallen in love with the Welsh accent (all over again!)

When we had a question and answers sesh, a girl asked a question and she was WELSH so I kinda melted. She was like Gavin and Stacy's Stacy!!

The city seems really nice too!

But I have since got confused about unis.. I am torn between Sheffy and Diffy :)

I agree with Rosstopher though, in some ways Cardiff IS a bit sexist (but it is also SEXY!)

Only girls can have full-catered, and there is a bit of accomodation for JUST GIRLS.

But there is no accomodation for JUST BOYS. Which is odd.

Maybe more girls want to hide from boys and stay virgins :/

Also, I got excited because I went to a toiltet in a main lecture building, which apparently featured in a Doctor Who episode. WOO! My bottom is famous now :)

On the way home from Cardiff (after my parents had been arguing about getting lost..) I had a debate with mum about Cheryl Cole. We were listening to BBC Radio 1 and 'Parachute' came on, and my mother thought it was silly that ANY song should have the word 'Parachute' in.

I don't need a parachute
Baby, if I've got you
Baby, if I've got you
I don't need a parachute
You're gonna catch me
You're gonna catch if I fall
Down, down, down

'Its like having a song about bungee jumping. I am going to bungee jump but I don't need any string because when I jump I won't die because hopefully you will catch me. If you do not, I won't be content.'

My mum is weird. I also got a phone call from my brother asking if he could have a mini bag of Haribo. I TOLD HIM TO CALL ME IF THERE WAS AN EMERGENCY! gah.

This is weird too.

I had a dream last night, and it wasn't ANY dream. It was a DIRTY dream. haha, not likely! It was About General studies :P my dream predicted what the social and cultural exam would say...

So, to all you whizzes who want to get A*, check this out!

'How is family represented in TV shows such as 'My Family' and 'My parents are aliens?'

'Would you consider Banksy to be an artist or a criminal?'

'If policemen didn't wear the old-fashioned hats, would it make them less intimidating in your opinion?'

My instincts are often correct, so revise away :D

SLAMS!

I started helping out at this youth club after christmas..

a youth club for teens with mental disabilities (yes, laugh all you like, but i am NOT someone who goes.. I am a volunteer!)

We had a fun little party tonight, with wii sports and pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey and musical statue and... KARAOKE.

It seems that I am too scared to sing karaoke, or on guitar hero, with my own friends (who can joke if I suck at singing, and whoop if I am...AWESOME) but when it comes to singing in front of a bunch of hyper, lovely people I barely know, I will happily warble to 'Dancing Queen' and 'It's raining men' and'Wake me up before you go-go' like there's no tomorrow.

But it made me feel a bit sad.. I used to love singing in little cheesy shows at school and with the Girl Guides :) but now I have no confidence in my singing... which is something that I used to feel really passionate about, and I used to really enjoy..

Now my life is just WORK and COURSEWORK and MATALAN-STUFF and ESSAYS and I feel like I have no time to CHILL. So I have been getting stressed out lately and more.. sensitive (if that makes sense) and although i guess that it will be over by July.. I just want to SLEEP.

Gah. College is silly.

Sheffield. No naked stripper guys, like in full monty :(

I feel like I haven't blogged for a while.

Work was nice today.

Barn dancing was fun last night

V for Vendetta is a good movie.

I like it when people give me chocolate oreos as a present - it makes my day.

I don't like running out of credit.

I HAVENT CHATTED ABOUT SHEFFIELD AT ALL! gahh!

I went to Sheffield last wednesday (missed general studies again...SHAME!) I must've been to G.S about once this year :P

We got completely lost on the way to Sheffield (we got lost in London on the way back... which is in the wrong direction, and basingstoke on the way there. we got lost in basingstoke. BASINGSTOKE! my mum cannot drive and i cannot give directions!!) My mum told me that she hasn't driven by herself any further than Bristol (which is where she was born) EVER. Because Dad always drives everywhere. GREAT. Tell me this when I am IN THE CAR ON THE WAY TO A UNI, WHICH WE HAVE NO IDEA WHERE IT IS.

I fell in love with Sheffield, initially because it has a TRAM SERVICE... my mum had to depress me by saying that it was a 'bus attached to a rail with a rope..' but i thought it was real awesome!

I was expecting Sheffield to be really industrial, smelly, smoky with lots of factories... but I only saw ONE! (The full monty gave me an incorrect impression of the place!)

Its about 30secs away from the town too, which is always nice :)

The tour guide we had was really friendly, and the lecturers we had were nice too :D One was really camp (and my mum fell in love with him) and one was called Kook-hee (and I fell in love with her!)

I met a really nice girl too, who me and my mum kinda adopted (because she didnt have her parents with her.. she just popped over from Leeds!) She said she lived in a council flat, and I was shocked my her lack of Mackenzie/Cabrini/Nike clothing :D She looked surprisingly NORMAL.

When we were waiting for the first lecture, this girl approached the vending machine that we were standing by, and went for a bottle of coke. She was wearing clothes that most people wouldn't wear to college, let alone an open day. Most people wouldn't even wear it to a birthday party, clubbing or a formal do! She looked SO overdressed and I though OH. A SPOILT BRAT. I hate to stereotype, but I was right. The machine wouldn't accept her £1 so she stormed up to her dad and started swearing at him, saying 'I fucking hate my life, and I fucking hate you! Give me more money!' and her dad (incidently, wearing Ralph Lauren) reached into his pockets and gave her £20. In some ways, I would LOVE it if my parents gave me money. But she must be such a bitch to her parents.. oh well.

My mum wants me to go to Sheffield because there is a Morrisons near the uni. YAY.

I want to go to Sheffield because there is a STAR TREK SOCIETY and Eddie Izzard went there, and he is just awesome. Maybe I will MEET HIM, and marry him :)

The only downside to Sheffield is the distance.. the other unis I want to go to are only a few hours away.. so thats a bit of a bummer.

Hope everyone liked their results today :)

THIS MADE ME LOL

Also, I was looking up details about the youth club that I help out with (I am gutted because I could be at vue right now, watching The princess and the frog for FREE with the youth club) and the youth club is called 'Slams' and takes place in the Hilt.

I looked up 'The Hilt' on google, and learnt some valuable lessons.

Definition of 'hilt:'

1. the base of the penis.

2. a man who humps his postbox.

GREAT.

Well, it IS from urbandictionary.com

according to them, a jennie is:

1.Someone with sexy hips, an amazing voice, big boobs, and is all round Sexy

3.A fun-loving, creative girl who likes to hang out with friends and enjoys the outdoors. She's got great style and inspires fierce loyalty in her friends. She may be shy at first, but you'll soon discover that she's the funniest (and funnest!) person you know. Everyone should find a Jennie for a friend!

3.She has the most beautiful eyes and hair.

She smells that of a fall evening, and her voice will typically seranade you.

4.Usually the hottest girl in the class. Laughs 24/7 and smiles no matter what's going on.

OK, so I picked some of the nicest definitions. Some of the other definitions include 'a little white booger,' 'someone with a fat ass' and 'someone who works in a shop and is very lazy' (which sums me up quite well.

But we will ignore them

Check your names out in urban dictionary for LOTS OF FUN :D

[insert witty blog title here]

I am going to sheffield tomorrow :) even though I am a bit gutted that it will be a wednesday (the only day I finish at 12:30!) and I will have to wake up real early I am actually quite excited!

I'll let you know how it goes.

Decided that all Symonds food in CRAP today. My dad makes this AWESOME vichysoisse soup (basically, leek and potato) and when I tried some from college it was ICKY. What a let down.

I will stick to carrot, celery, sandwiches and MUFFINS in the future :)

I read this really anti-climatical (is that a word?) story in the paper today. The free paper my brother delivers, all the local stuff.

One article read 'BOY AGED FIVE HELPS TO DELIVER BABY SISTER.'

and I thought this sounded AWESOME!

Normally the news is about Wyvern students dressing up for charity, Fryern students making cakes for red nose day, someones cat getting stuck on the tree, someone losing their only pencil...

SILLY THINGS.

So I got excited. PROPER GOOD STORY!!

Incidently, the pic of the boy was SO cute, I HAD to read it.

I was expecting this super-child to actually have removed the baby from his mothers hoo-hoo whilst the midwife was STUCK IN TRAFFIC and listening to the Beach Boys.

Turns out that the mother was expecting the baby later that day (because she was in labour for more than a day with her first child, she didnt want to spend all her time in the hospital) so they stayed at home. The dad went downstairs to feed the dog. The mother started having contractions. The boy shouted downstairs to his dad. The dad came.

THE END.

THE BOY JUST BLOODY SHOUTED FOR HIS DAD, AND HE GETS AN ARTICLE IN A PAPER!

I have shouted for my dad BILLIONS of times.

'DAD, this maths doesn't make any sense.'

'Dad, we've run out of ice cream.'

'Dad, can you give me a lift to [insert place name here]'

I have never got an article in a paper!

Life is unfair :(

Moooo-sick :)

Had the best english lesson ever today :)

my teacher, ruth, is such a legend.

We spent an hour acting out Hamlet in little groups with FINGER PUPPETS!

it was so awesome!

I was Horatio - a dog.

Then we had the ghost which was actually an owl, and Marcellus was a clown and Hamlet was a blond curly-haired girl. MUCH FUN.

Here is my list of people/bands that I MUST see before I die :D :

Linkin Park

Cute is what we aim for

Mayday Parade

Ellie Goulding

Taking Back Sunday

3oh!3

Black Eyed Peas

Blink 182

Eminem

Calvin Harris

Fall out boy

Get cape.

Foo Fighters

Funeral For a friend.

Gym Class Heroes

Jack Johnson

Jack Penate

Hadouken

Jay-Z

MGMT

Wacko Jacko :'(

Paolo Nutini

Paramore

Muse

Queen :'(

S Club 7 :'(

Spice Girls :'(

Florence

Snow Patrol

Billy Talent

VV Brown.

Ohh, and Eddie Izzard, Jimmy Carr and Russell Howard :)

That is all I can think of atm.

Over and out.

'I am sorry to alarm you my darling, but there is a chinese family in our bathroom.'

(500) days of summer is an awesome film!

Kathy had a Blockbuster voucher and got that film and I thought it would be another icky chick flick (which I LOVE, but they are pretty same-ish...) but it is so good.

WATCH IT.

I had an interesting convo with my dad today. Interesting, but short lived.

We were in the kitchen (whilst Nick was dancing to 'Fight for this love' but instead saying 'We gotta file, file, file, file, file for divorce... what a witty child) when a contraception ad came on.

AWKWARD. On the advert the woman said 'Contraception. Worth talking about.' My dad then decided to glare at me and say 'NO. ITS NOT WORTH TALKING ABOUT.'

In a jokey way.. not in a Catholic we-hate-contraception-and-abortion-and-everything way!

Then he started on a lecture. Which as even more awkward... 'If you had a baby, I wouldn't be angry. I would be happy, because I would know that you had made the decision to conceive it and you wouldn't have given into pressure from anyone and you wouldn't have been taken advantage of.' MORE GLARING. 'I would be happy because it would be a decision that you had made.'

So then Nick turned around and said 'I would be happy because then everyone would shut up about unis.'

Which sums up my life. Birmingham uni is STILL being gay (apparently there is a SCANDAL which involves a sociology lecturer plaigarising some of his work... it would be funny if it had happened to ANY OTHER DEPARTMENT.) and sheffield changed the open day dates without letting me know, and all my buddies (well, all FOUR of them) that I made at Surrey are ignoring me.

WHY WON'T YOU RETURN MY CALLS? (here, read 'facebook wall comments!)

On a lighter note, went to see Lostprophets on friday with Katy, Andrew, Becky, Chris and Adam :) saw Matt Betts and Savage and Jack Beattie there too, which was nice (ever since they ditched the bluestar-bus crew I never see them anymore!) and we also saw the love of Becky's life :D

(long story..)

but although the first support act (called Shark) was CRAP, kids in glass houses were pretty good (even though I only knew about 3 of their songs!) and lostprophets were AWESOME.

We were near enough to the front that I could see Ian Watkins' beautiful face, and far enough so I wouldn't get trampled on TOO much.

I liked it when Adam picked me up, there was this REALLY annoying guy in front who just pissed me off with his 6'5''-ishness, so it was nice to get a piggy back and actually SEE properly :)

The highlight of the evening must've been me groping Becky from behind, and Becky thinking it was Adam. :D the look on her face was PRICELESS.

I got a lostprophets wristband too, and received many a-compliment from my colleagues at work the next day :)

SO ONE MORE BAND TO TICK OFF THE LIST!

I will have to publish my list of MUST-SEE-BANDS-BEFORE-I-DIE... just in case you want to give me an early xmas present ;) but I will tell you now, Linkin Park will be at the VERY top :) Lostprophets are only my 2ND fave 'L.P' band :)

woo.

Hope everyone had a nice weekend :) I worked. yay. Literally 8 hours at work and 4 hours babysitting.

'I AM A GAY RAPIST'

I went to Surrey yesterday.

I am still gutted about Birmingham messing up their Sociology department, because B'ham is like, if I was a building, I would marry the whole of the campus.

I liked Surrey, but I spent the whole time comparing it to my uni soulmate.

After an awkward buffet lunch, (I almost ran away with my parents so I wouldn't have to mingle!) I actually ended up speaking to some people, which is a shocker for me. I would rather hide in the corner with my glass of orange juice :D

One girl I spoke to did the same A-Levels as me, lived in Southampton and had the same birthday as me! EXCITING STUFF!

We went into a lecture theatre for an introduction to the uni (the lecturer had BLUE HAIR! I am sooo going to Surrey!) as well as a sample lecture about Sociology, Culture and Media.

Which was interesting, but I ended up talking to my new buddies about facebook :P

Then we went to a campus tour (led by the most annoying squeaky girl ever!) and I ended up mingling with this guy, who is officially is the weirdest guy ever. But he cracked me up so much. He overheard me talking to my girlies about Farmville, and started slating it.

When we went past the 'security centre' I made a joke about getting protection from stabbing, which started a convo about which area was rougher, Southampton or Chichester (I thought Chichester was in the north.... turns out that was CHESTER.. gahh!)

But yeah. For some reason he started talking about being gay and a rapist... and I wasn't sure whether to believe him.

But once I found out he had TapTap Revenge on his iphone I kinda wet myself. He beat me :(

But yeah, it was a nice day out and if I do decide to go to Surrey, I have 5 facebook adds that would mean that I see a familiar face, which is nice!

I just got paid £20 babysitting for 1.5hours and i feel real guilty. Normally I get paid that much for 5 hours, and I did say 'ARE YOU SURE?' but yeah. Me like.

I have decided to save up babysitting money in my Reading fund.

Reading as in FESTIVAL, not Reading as in BOOKS, so I can hopefully go next year (and ring up Linkin Park and demand that they performmmm!!)

:)

I had a weird talk with my mum the other day...

I started by talking to her about unis and open days, but then she started slating Symonds.

She was going on about how when my sister went to Peveril, beforehand she was really shy but after college she became a lot more confident. So my mum was basically saying that Symonds had done the opposite for me. When I was at Thornden I had a big group of friends and I was pretty confident and happy, but since Symonds I have got a lot more stressed out, and I care more about what people think of me. Whenever I pass through Paul Woodhouse I somehow feel inadequate and uncomfortable, and I have now become a loner on the bluestar bus, because everyone I know gets lifts into college now (but I have a bus pass so I might as well use it)

I had always wondered what it would have been like to go to Peveril. Obviously I wouldn't have made all the friends that I made at Symonds, but I guess maybe the lack of elitism and Jack Wills hiearchy would have made me a lot happier to turn up in a hoody and not feel like a tramp.

But when mum said this, it made me feel really sad. Is it THAT obvious that I have become more reserved since Symonds? I have worked pretty hard at Symonds, so I know that I deserve whatever results I get in the summer. But at home, when I used to be all JUMPY AND EXCITED I just got to my room and watch Sex and the City. (woo!) I used to be a lot more social, and generally happier. Now I have loads of stuff to think about and I end up getting stressed out and tired all the time. I have days at college when I am pretty excitable so I seem a bit weird and crazy. I like that. Its like my normal self is back. When I would have been able to go anywhere at college and chat to people and say hi. At Thornden there was an obvious elite (of about 10 chavs!) and there were so many rumours about abortions and naked pictures and stuff I was happy not to be included in that group. I was happy being friends with loads of different groups, like the FF-ians and the fishpond crew. I know so many people who hated school, and I loved it, and I really miss it.

I am not saying I hate Symonds. I LOVE Symonds, (most days) I have met some amazing people, got an amazing boyfriend who I love spending time with, but sometime I wonder what it would have been like to go to Peveril. But I would have missed my Thornden friends SO much (even though I would get to see Gemma more than once a month!)

I don't feel as included as I used to. In my classes, in my circle of friends, in my family. Even at work I am still just settling down.

My sociology teacher told me that Media students are more likely to get depressed at uni than from any other subject (apparently computing and maths people are happier) because they supposedly do not have enough work to do and get bored. Im not depressed. I just feel up and down all the time.

I am going to surrey tomorrow. Whoop! :)

I fail at life.

My new years resolution (to decrease my amount of nutella, chocolate, milkyway magic stars and general CRAP consumption) has failed. MISERABLY.

I was pretty good to start with, I started going to the gym (OK, I went ONCE!) and started making use of my cycling machine and 'twist-stepper' which is in my room gathering dust. I even went for a run (incidently, about 10 hours before my sociology exam. Hence why I have probably failed. Instead of revising I thought it would be fun to get lost for almost 2 hours in North Millers Dale...or was it SOUTH Millers Dale? ITS ALL THE SAME TO ME. PEOPLE WHO LIVE THERE ARE SILLY!) :P

But going to uni to see Kathy I had a years supply of chocolate on one pancake. I ate loads of carrots and grapes yesterday, only to top it off with a muffin. and a sausage roll. and a human-sized gingerbread man... haha.

OH. muffins. good times.

I am SICK of muffins. You see, I got back from work last sunday only to find that my mum had bought ALL of somerfields muffins. LITERALLY all of them. Because they were reduced from 99p for 4 to 35p for 4. So she kinda had a stroke in the bakery aisle, and SHOUTED at dad when he suggested only getting one packet...

I have had had more muffins in three days that I would normally have in a year.

44 MUFFINS ARE LEFT HIBERNATING IN OUR FREEZER.

Frozen peas and ready meals are overrated. Lets live on muffins.

I got manhandled in first aid today, when our St Johns person was going through the recovery position. Shame shes not hot, otherwise I would have been like 'OH NO. I CANNOT BREATHE. KISS OF LIFE, YOU STONE COLD FOX!' But instead she was old and chubby. I hate saying 'FAT' so I would rather say 'CUDDLY' or 'BEAR-HUG-ABLE'

:)

Oh. And I have a confession to make. I have told NOONE. I trust my blog readers with this secret.

I am obsessed with prostitutes.

Ok, that sounds weird. I am not obsessed like, I don't want to take advantage of their...services..

I am not a whore of the whores....

A whore-whore...

I was about to say 'Instead of being sick of chocolate chip muffins, I like ANOTHER type of muffin' ;) but I thought that would be inappropriate.

I just find prozzies really intriguing.

I remember, a few years back, one of my friends was like 'How much on average do prostitutes get paid?' I am not sure whether this was a joke.. or whether she actually wanted to ditch her GCSEs and take another...career...path...

But I have always had this ew.. its really sleazy thing about it. I know that SO many prostitutes are forced into it..whether they are kidnapped or they need money or they want drugs. I am not belittling that. I am pretty content with my A-Levels atm that I wouldn't want to just join a brothel and ignore uni and stuff.

I didn't do the KUDOS careers programme (which calculates what careers would suit you, based on your interests and thing you are good at) only for it to come up with 'You're screwed kiddo.. how about becoming a professional whore?'

But since watching 'Secret Diary of a Call Girl' and reading the books it was based on (which are SO awesome/funny btw... if a bit graphic at times...) I just find it really interesting. Like, what sort of men use prostitutes. and yes, how much they charge.

And whenever I see anyone playing 'Assassins Creed' the only part I am really interested in is when the prostitutes turn up to distract the evil guys.

OK. I may lose some friends after you guys read this blog. But hear me out.

I do not want to become a prostitute. Or use a prostitute. But I think it would be interesting to be friends with a prostitute... so I could ask them about it.

So... any takers?

Simple things make me happy.

It's true. Like someone giving me a squeezy hug, or finding out that nutella is on offer.

:D

I got Linkin Park's 'Minutes to Midnight' in Somerfield today for £1.25. COMPLETE bargain because I was considering getting it when it first came out (for £12.99) but instead chose to nick it off Matt-chew :)

I also got Spice Girl's Greatest Hits (AND I AM PROUD!) for £2.50. Which I was going to get on Amazon.. I mean IT WAS AN IMPULSE BUY... I DONT EVEN LIKE THEM... -shifty eyes-

But now I have somethings to blast through my speakers when I DO finally take my theory test/ pass my driving test/earn loadsa money/BUY A CAR!! woo :)

Hope everyone has a nice weekend!

My plans? Overtime with bitchy manager, and frantic extended project typing up. woohoo.

'Three words we all want to hear on valentines day... LETS GET NAKED.' :)

Just got back from SEXYter :)

spending 4 nights on the floor of my sisters flat near exeter uni ^__^

and it was SO MUCH MORE FUN than i thought it would be.

I was quite scared to start with.. having to encounter my sisters ex at the train station, and not knowing what to say/whether to stab him.. having NO IDEA which stop I was supposed to be getting off, and being unable to lug my bag on and off the train...

but the thing that scared me most out of EVERYTHING was walking up to my sisters room (who had to be CONVENIENTLY placed on the third floor..) and walking past a room which has 'PAEDO' pasted onto the door... in what looked like human faeces. The room was right next to the bathroom... and I thought that maybe they had run out of toilet paper! .. luckily it was only nutella. But still! EW.

I was shown the MAN room (a room with weights, a bench press and an XBOX) and the GIRL room (basically a room with a TV and a lot of chick flicks) and the kitchen. apparently noone in exeter understand the concept of washing up.. which was pretty annoying. While everyone was cooking/working out/playing FIFA I was often guilt-tripped into washing up. And as the middle-class twat I am, I HATE washing up without my marigolds :P

I basically spent the whole week eating nutella, pancakes and curry and watching movies like Mulan, Finding Nemo, X-Men origins, Down with Love, and FRIENDS. A LOT. Uni is going to be SWEEETT!

All of kathys flatmates seemed real nice (apart from captain BURP - luke..) and the fact that on the last night, they decided to bully me for wearing a Jack Wills top (WHICH I HAD TRIED TO HIDE UNDER A SCARF AFTER KATHY WARNED ME THAT I WOULD GET STABBED!!)

But I have had a few fun (and sleepless!) days. I was given a tour of Exeter campus (actually really nice.. shame they don't do Sociology!!) and spent 3 hours in the library doing E.P while Kathy was in lectures (she gave me her laptop and I didnt even go on facebook!... well I tried but it was blocked...) and I watched 'Valentines day' which is actually quite a funny film. Kind of an American equivalent to 'Love Actually' :) and Taylor Lauter was in it, and Bradley Cooper, and Patrick Dempsey. PHWOAR X 1000!

and Michael Franti's 'Say Hey (I love you)' was the song in the opening credits. So I loved the movie before it had started!!

I have also lost my cocktail virginity (pineapple margarita... yummy but SO strong!) when I went to a bar called 'Amber Rooms' with Kathy and her housemates to see her buddy Matt do an open mic. He played two original songs and a John Mayer song and he kinda made me melt. That was a fun night!! Interestingly.. only the GIRLIES went out to the bar/clubbing (me and Kathy went home after the bar..) guess where the guys were?

They stayed at home, to watch GLEE. How lame.

But that night, two of the girlies (Sam, who is awesome and German/chinese/pakistani...VERY multicultured! and Alice, who is Americannn) decided to come back from the club at 1am and bang on ALL of our doors individually and call us 'Gay' and 'Boring' for sleeping. Kathy never locks her door so they came in and threatened to jump on me. GREAT.

After a couple of days of being a shoulder to cry on/punching bag/person to rant and bitch about previous boyfriends to.. Kathy started getting a bit impatient with me. We went shopping and I was apparently slow at walking/slow at deciding what shops to go into/slow at deciding what drinks to buy/GENERALLY GETTING ON HER NERVES.

So I guess its good I came home when I did.. but its pissed me off to find out that my bedroom has been moved about, half of Kathys belongings are in my room, and I have no curtains/bedding. Welcome home, Jennie.

I have started getting more EXCITED than nervous about going to uni now though. Although it is still going to be scary and weird to leave my homeboys =/

Hope everyones been having a nice week!! x x

P.S It was weird how many Symondians I saw on the train home from Exeter... appaarently its the place to BE! :)

The dreaded V- word.

Why does everyone make such a big deal out of Valentines day?

I quite like how Symonds is doing a lot more fun things, to celebrate Valentines day. Just an excuse to set up a sex clinic I guess 'In and out...nice choice of name!'

But I do not like how shops seem to go crazy, and want to make a big deal out of it.. 'BUY THIS, OR YOU WILL END UP GETTING DIVORCED!' 'BUY THIS, AND YOU WILL GET LAAAAAID!'

Like Matalan. The more teddies we sell, the better. (apparently...)

But what I like LEAST is how people react to Valentines day. I mean, if you are in a relationship, feel free to give prezzies and love. But why have a set date for it? Why can't you give prezzies on any other day?

(Becky's mums bf giving her a bracelet to celebrate a 'happy friday' is possibly the cutest thing ever.)

Valentines day has always seemed a bit overreacted to me. But maybe that is because I have never been in a relationship over Valentines day, so I have grown a bit cynical towards it. But I have never really got DEPRESSED about it. I would make heart-shaped cookies in Brownies, or Valentines day cards at Guides or whatever, but then I would give them to my mum :)

Even people who AREN'T in a relationship are silly on Valentines day. If you are not in a relationship, why is that? Is that your choice? If not, why are you scared to tell that person how you feel? Obviously, doing that doesn't always work out (as I learnt a while ago) but there is not need to get depressed about V.Day. People who say V.day is the WORST DAY EVER is silly. If you avoid watching rom coms and avoid going to posh restaurants, where loved-up couples may be, then you are fine.

A few years ago I met up with some friends for V.day and we just had a laugh and watched a movie and it was FUN. So I don't understand why people get to hostile towards V.day.

Have a fun day wiith friends, or start planning a FANTASTIC half term :)

I have always ignored 'Valentines day' so it passes me by. 14th February is my half-birthday. So I expect lots of half-cakes and half-prezzies and cookies ripped in two, thanks :) I am one day closer to being an 18-er :O

Matter-Land.

I have decided that I need to chillax more and work less.

Extended project is being gay, media&sociology are being trigger-happy with essays, I have to practically teach myself english because one of my teachers is CRAP, and I am starting to worry about exams. ALREADY. also, I have begun to start freaking out about uni.

I mean, Symonds has been FUN. Particularly in AS. But I am starting to get fed up with it, so I AM looking forward to uni. Kinda. Just need to figure out which one is my FAVE (!)

On top of that, although Matalan is a BALL, I still don't feel a part of the clan.

I have decided to devise a list (haha, my best skill!) about Matalan.

Good things about Matalan.

They are real flexible with uni open days/holidays! (whereas Scott would make it more complicated then it needed to be!)

Everyone I have met is SO lovely (even though they are all extreme chavs or extreme emos!)

The duty manager, Becca, is SO nice. Everytime she calls me chick/babe I fall a little in love with herr!

Everyone who works there is SO friendly!

With the exception of one person, all the CUSTOMERS seem real friendly too!

They seem generally laid back about EVERYTHING, rather than being paranoid and accusing all the time!

We sell the CUTEST baby clothes. Which means babies come in. NEED I SAY MORE!

I know a couple of people from Thornden/through my sister/old times.

..shh...the pay is slightly more...

Bad things about Matalan.

EVERYONE SMOKES! When we all finish and wait at the front for lifts etc, everyone smokes. ew.

Apparently one of the managers, Alison (who interviewed me and seemed real nice!) has a bad side...

Because I only work 4 hour each time, we don't get a break. So after about 2 hours my feet ACHE and I really want some pie.

Other than a burger van outside (the gross-est one EVER!) there is no place to buy food. (apart from a couple of bags of wine gums) I miss choc dips in my lunch break, and boots meal deals :'(

Barely anyone there goes to Symonds. Whereas at Superdrug ALL the young-uns did!

The only surrounding shops are Pets at Home and Halfords.. so I cannot spend all my wages on the high street like I did before!! :'(

Thats all I can think of. But now I have settled down more, I do like Matalan a lot more. Which means one less thing to worry about, which is always good!! :)

'Shawtys like a melody in my head...'

Me and my mum were having a TV war a second ago.

I wanted The Simpsons.

She wanted BBC News..

But we came across this channel (I think it was 4Music) and the #1 R&B song for this week is apparently 'Iyaz- Replay'

...No. I havent heard of it EITHER!

But I watched a bit of it, and was a bit annoyed at how the girls in the vid were SEXUALLY OBJECTIFIED (sociology taught me to be a bra-burning feminist!!)

Cue rant.

But my mummy interrupted me by saying, QUITE seriously:

'Why does that guy keep grabbing his crotch? Does he need the toilet?'

Oh how I laughed. But thinking about it.. I am not really sure of the answer.

DO they need the loo?

Do they have some sort of genital warts they just HAVE to keep scratching at?

Do they want to try and exaggerate the size of their 'man-vegetables'.. much like a woman would wear a push-up bra?

Oh, the wonders of 21st Century Rap music. So many questions. So many possible answers.

Cashier number 11, please...

I asked my mum what an 'anus crime' was today?

Anal rape?

Constipation without a license?

Turns out I had misheard her, and the woman with the bonnet in 'My Girl' actually said 'HEINOUS crime.' Oh, how my parents laughed. At my expense.

My extended project has been COMPLETELY neglected this weekend. I have started to freak out about media cw (and my lack of photoshop skills!) so have instead decided to just sleep, read, and have lots of toasty baths. (when i say LOTS, I mean three... which is more than I have in a YEAR! haha, i am a shower person, not just SMELLY.)

It was weird how many old people I saw in Chandlers Ford this weekend, particularly yesterday. At one point I looked around Fryern (which is a PAIN in itself, its HORRIBLE there!) and I could not find a non-OAP anywhere! I was actually quite scared. Maybe the millenials and Generation Y and Generation X were all DEAD. (if that doesnt make sense, do media) :D

It wasn't until I peeped into Waitrose that I relaxed. No-one over about 12years old works there. Its weird how many people I know that work in Waitrose... mainly from Thornden, Symonds and a few badminton people. So its nice to occasionally pop in there and say hello. But I NEVER buy anything.

Waitrose is for posh people.

ASDA ftw :)

I worked today, and for once it was NICE. People spoke to me, the managers are SO nice (and really flexible about holidays/uni open days... whereas my old boss would make the BIGGEST fuss and not let me swap shifts and instead I would have to fill out loadsa holidays forms, which would get declinedd!)

There was this GORGEOUS GORGEOUS GORGEOUS boy that I served, who was about five, who was asking me loads of random questions, like why was matalan called matalan? did santa come for you this year? and when he asked me what my name was he got excited and shouted 'YOUR NAME IS LIKE JELLY BABIES!' and I so wanted to adopt him :)

Everyone I served today was real friendly. I cannot believe how easily someone can spend £150 on mainly undies and a few bags though...

In POOPER-drug :P I always served spoilt, Jack Will-sy, privately-educated pre-teens who would spend that much on make-up. And It would just PISS ME OFF.

Anyways, I am tired. E.P is waiting (and will probs wait for a LONGGG time!!)

ta-ra!

Skins series 4 is crap.

I saw a druggie get arrested today in Winch. As in, proper HANDCUFFED! (not 'cufflinked' as I tend to say...)

It was pretty exciting. He was wailing and whimpering and it was kinda surreal, having it happen in WINCHESTER. POSH CENTRAL. In fact, I don't think I have EVER seen anyone get arrested (which is always a good thing) so it was pretty surreal. And the worst thing was that I KNEW one of the PCs arresting him =/

I just got back from babysitting, and I am officially NEVER HAVING CHILDREN! Normally, once I have read a few books to the older one (the younger girl is a complete DOLL and is always sleeping!) and let her play with my hair a bit, they get to sleep ok. But TONIGHT, I had to read 4 books, get her a drink, help her find some bar of toffee she lost, try on some of her lipgloss, make sure she stopped playing with the lady-bird castanets which would wake up her sister, and stop her from eating crayons.

ARGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

The thing is, because I am such a pushover, I am pretty unable to be FIRM with her. So I am like 'Go to bed... if thats ok.' 'SLEEP NOW!... please?'

=/ so much for babysitting being easy money!

Give me 4 hours on matalan tills ANYDAY!

Oh. I am supposed to be on a diet and I think I have failed. On the 1st of Feb I spent the WHOLE day eating ice cream, and I am currently eating white choc lindt lindors. FAIL.

aand I have tried to ban myself from John Shields Shop and that has failed too.

Oh, and I had an interesting time earlier explaining to my brother what 'well hung' meant... :S

Have a nice weekend, everybodyy!! x

P.S I am currently reading 'The intimate adventures of a London call girl' by Belle Du Jour. IT IS SO AWESOME! READ IT!

Farmville for the win :)

I feel weirdly happy at the moment.

Lately I have been pretty stressed out about coursework and E.P etc, but I am content.

And I have a belly full of ice cream and brownies.

HOORAY FOR FRANKIE AND BENNYS!

went out for a meal for Gemmas and it was actually pretty nice!

Saw some people from Barton that I havent seen since Gemma's LAST birthday, and it was nice catching up with my old bumchums Jack and Matt (and getting all excited about Lostprophets!)

aaand gossiping with my fave girlies about cheeky things ^__^

On a more random note, apparently Cymru is not the same as Corfu. Cymru is WALES and Corfu is in Greece. I thought they were the same thing, but my mummy and daddy laughed at me when they said I got confused between them :(

Also, I had some fun last night trying to explain that some band names in our current music era are COOL and not weird. It was fun trying to explain the meaning behind 'Black Eyed Peas' and 'Lady Gaga' because she reckons that they are silly. BLONDIE was blonde. THE JACKSON FIVE were the Jacksons, The Moody Blues were a bit grumpy...and now our musics names are silly.

ANYWAY. Um.. people may lose respect for me at this point.

Basically, the other day I started getting a TAD bored of farmville :O especially when I had run out of fuel, and couldnt be bothered to plow the field ALL by myself. :D I AM COOL.

So I had a sudden craving for Zoombinis.

I don't know if everyone has experienced the magic of Zoombinis, but we had it at Hiltingbury Junior school and basically you can create these little people (and you can change their hair/eyes/whether they have feet or rollerskates or a scooter or a hover thing or a SPRING!) and then you have to complete challenges to save your friends that are stuck in a cave. It is supposed to challenge your 'mathematical and logical mind.' But at Hiltingbury, I thought it was the funnest thing EVER.

So I picked it up from Winch Library and in a sad way, was SO SO SO excited about playing it.

Its aimed at 7years and up, but so are a lot of things, like Sims and Farmville :P

The thing is, after almost 10years since I last played it, it isnt as exciting as I remember. If you make ONE mistake, you have to start at the beginning by making your Zoombinis again, in Zoombiniville (imaginative name, ehh?) The voiceover was actually really annoying, and when I got stuck on certain challenges I was left feeling real stupid. I mean, THIS IS A GAME AIMED AT SEVEN YEAR OLDS! I HAVE PASSED MY GCSES AND AS LEVELS. YOU WOULD THINK I WOULD KNOW HOW TO FEED SOME 'BOOLIES' AND CROSS A BRIDGE OF TURTLES!!

Alas, I gave up. Maybe I should stick to Guitar Hero and -sigh- Call of BLOODY Duty :D

Auf-Lauf.

My dear brother.

He likes to come up with weird stuff.

Today he referred to a grumpy guy as being on his 'meriod'

which is basically a man-period.

I liked this word, I may have to coin it for future use :)

Anyways, MLIA.

I made a friend at Matalan ^__^ called Alex. Turns out hes dating one of my old Gangshow buddies. But he's the only guy at Matalan (so far, fingers crossed!) who has actually made an effort to strike up a convo. Everyone else seems nice but unless I am on tills I dont have much opportunity to talk.

Anyways, he has made me feel more relaxed at Matalan, and I dont feel like such a loner.

BUT, yesterday he revealed that he is leaving in two weeks, and I was GUTTED. I have only spoke to him for a total of about 30mins but he made me feel welcome.

I asked him why he was leaving (nosy, much?) and he said that his parents had split up, and they were kinda BRIBING him to be happy and not make a fuss about it. He seems content with this. Obviously he seemed devastated that his parents are divorced now, but it means he gets a PRETTY BLOODY AMAZING allowance. i.e more than he was earning each month.

This kinda annoyed me.

Not the fact that he was leaving me (that is kinda a contributing factor to my annoyance!) but the fact that he kinda has... an escape route, if that makes sense. He was working to get money, but now he didnt need that anymore.

When I stopped working at SUPERDRUG I was freaking out about starving and living in the streets (well, not THAT bad.. but I was getting stressed out about money).

I am embarrased to admit it, but my parents do not give me an allowance. As in, ZILCH.

They said that once I got a job I wouldn't need an allowance, which is kinda fair enough. I SURVIVE and if I had any more money I would spend it on candy (Katy hates me saying 'candy' because its American, but I love ittt!!). So ever since I got a paper round (when I was 12) I haven'y had any allowance. Or pocket money. At every opportunity I can I rant about how unfair this is to my parents.. they used to give me £3 a week (£1 for candy, £2 to save up for socialising) but now I cannot even ask for money to borrow. I have to pay it back ASAP if I dont have any money.

I am embarrased to admit that. But in a way it has made me more independent, appreciative of money when I DO have a birthday/babysitting/pay day and hard-working. I like the fact that working in two stores has beefed up my CV, my work experience AND my purse :)

But some days, when I get really stressed out an tired, I wish I could get money for nothing. If my parents were richer I would take advantage of that. It depresses me sometimes when I talk to people at college about their holidays/weekends and they have been travelling/buying stupidly-expensive clothes, all expenses paid by their parents.

I know that money isnt everything, and Hampshire is supposed to be a PRETTY wealthy area (especially Chandlers Ford, posh twits!) but I am gutted that Alex is ditching me.

I know this sounds like a really moany, ungrateful blog. I am pretty content with my life though. I just hate how I have to work 8hours a week and do babysitting until 1am and do chores at home for no money. Whenever I bring it up with my parents they say I am ungrateful/selfish/ 'what about the poverty-striken third world countries?'

But Alex getting paid almost £100 a month to sit on his arse and eat cookies doesnt seem fair.

BUT.

I have a lovely family (albeit PRETTY weird).

I have lovely friends,

I have a lovely man-friend.

I have time to sit on my arse and eat cookies SOMETIMES (normally its nutella sarnies though)

Basically, this blog has NO point. Except a bit of a rant at all my Jack-Wills minions and their silly rich 'rents.

On a lighter note, I am reading 'Belle Du Jour's Secret Diary of a London Call Girl'

Which is the EPITOME of chicklit/erotic lit. It is actually disgusting. But she is SO funny.

I will try and find a funny quote...

'Its a public health issue. I am sleeping with tonnes of guys, sometimes with, sometimes without a condom. We are in an age when their are diseases flying all over the place. People going partying and drinking and wake up in the morning wondering what you did (and WHO you did) last night... and so I could catch ANYTHING. Its a massive concern for me because there is no such thing as paid sick leave for a 'working girl'.... so I want to set your minds at ease as much as I can. I want you to know... I have had a flu jab.'

It is such a funny book. Almost as good as the series :P

Guten tag! :)

p.s 'auf-lauf' is apparently german for souflee? correct me if i am wrong.. :)