This post is LONGGG and full of random things. Happy et Sad. :S

I have this weird obsession with writing lists. On my phone, in my calendar, I have to list everything I plan to do. I have lists of movies and music I want to buy, birthdays coming up, things I need to do this summer :] It used to be lists of simple things that I used to write.. I need a new coat/new jeans, I need to get a birthday prezzy for this person.

But I was looking through some previous calendar posts on my phone, only to find things listed such as THIS:

‘Grab shower before Nick steals it’

‘Don’t forget sandwich from fridge’

‘Charge phone’

‘Unplug laptop’

And I think that this has gone TOO FAR.

However, I now have this notebook (which is practically my bible) in which I write down a massive list of things I need to do/buy. I had a panic attack today when I realised I bought the wrong notebook. I DIDN’T EVEN NEED MY LISTS!

I am such a freak.

I have been getting really stressed out at the moment. Mainly freaking out about new job&uni&whether to go to uni straight away&open days&planning holidays& sorting birthdays and now I know why everyone says January is the worst month! BECAUSE IT IS GAY. I had to leave Media early so I could have a little freak-out in the loos.

Hugs, please :]

Some people are being a little helpful with my whole stress thing. Some people are not.

There was a bit of a palava on facebook over the weekend. Everytime I looked through my news feed, something about someone called ‘Tom Hay’ turned up. I have no idea who he is, so I assumed it was spam. It wasn’t until I read a message from Matthew Green to this guy that I understood…

I have spent so much time complaining about stupid things. Like money, and sulky friends, lack of phone credit, lack of me-time, lack of sleep, lack of clothes, lack of clothes.

But I have never been properly affected by death.

Howabout complaining about a lack of friend. Lack of parents. Lack of classmate.

I feel really silly now, and pretty selfish. I always want more MONEY and more STUFF and I want to be richer and prettier and thinner and smarter. Why am I never content with what I have? If one of my friends died RIGHT NOW (touch BLOODY wood) what the hell would I do? I don’t think I appreciate my friends enough, because it seems as though I never have time for them.

I have lost a grandparent (who lived in Scotland and I wasn’t overly close to) and various rabbits and guinea pigs and fish. I know MANY people who have lost someone they love. HOW DO THEY COPE? I have never fully appreciated how lucky I am. The worse thing that has affected was my Grandma ending up in hospital quite recently. (I am still unsure as to WHY) but she is fit as a fiddle, thanks to golf. Noone in my close family has experienced cancer. Other than impending obesity, I think as long as we look after ourselves we might be OK.

But what about spontaneous things? My friends friend was hit by a car when he was cycling not to long ago, and was in a coma for MONTHS. But I also have my ‘friends-friends-aunts-friends-mums-cousins-grans-friend’ vibe to hide behind. I think even if someone I barely KNEW died, it would be unbearable…

It seems a bit pathetic that I am getting worried about extended project, or coursework. Obviously it is important, but I cannot imagine how Tom’s friends feel. How his family feels.

This is such a depressing blog. But I want you guys to know that I love you. (and spread the word!)

The moral of THIS story is: please don’t die.